youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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