How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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