I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This is the high leading the old right now
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize