Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize