I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
