I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
