All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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