my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
