the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
