He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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