I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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