chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
