Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I can't put those talents on a resume
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
