Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
