Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
