Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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