watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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