sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
