I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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