Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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