she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
