I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Randomize
