If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I want to make a zoo with you.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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