mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize