Christians are straight up FREAKS
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Drunk is not a location!
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
