I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
