her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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