no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
