Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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