Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
