I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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