Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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