I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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