if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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