I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
