I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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