btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize