Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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