Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
