I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize