just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
