hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize