Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
