Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
