I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
