Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
