Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
