So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
