Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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