So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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