Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
