bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
