Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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