Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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