No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
