if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
we're making bets on your personal life
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
the liver wants what the liver wants
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
