I cannot find my penis.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
