I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
