Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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